Resisting Brokenness…AGAIN!

Before a recent surgery I had last week, I was anxious. For starters, it was an unromantic way for my husband and I to spend our 17-year anniversary since we officially began dating! So, I surmised if I didn’t think too much about the procedure and didn’t make a big deal of it to anyone that the recovery would be smooth sailing. Even the surgeon and some online advice seemed to make the whole process seem speedier and more expediated due to new surgical techniques. To top it all off, I prided myself on my daily exercise regime that made me feel strong, healthy and energized. I internally boasted: My body will surely bounce back since I have taken such good care of it. To my dismay, the moment I awoke I quickly realized this particular recovery would take time–much more time than I expected or wanted to give to it.

Broken again. This is how I am feeling. It was a bitter pill to swallow because it came with some harrowing memories of past brokenness that I thought I had overcome: my previous surgeries from a miscarriage, an episiotomy and two ankle repair operations from a car accident. If you have ever gone through a major surgery before you may remember dreading another day of waiting to heal enough to return to some sense of “normalcy.” I realized again how much I dislike and fear the aftermath of surgical repairs. Now four days later and still recovering slowly at home, I pray a very simple prayer to God amidst my own resistance to this present brokenness:

God, use this for good. Change me.

It seems pure when I say it, but within the same breath I am then regretting the whole procedure and wishing I never got back to this scary place. Yes, fear of my body being physically broken is big for me. Four years ago last month I know God graciously granted me a full recovery after having survived a car accident with two broken ankles; Taking care of my body has since been a top priority in my life [To read that story and testimony: https://treesofhope.net/2019/09/the-gift-of-immobility.html]. Needless to say, at this point post-surgery I have instantly felt back to “square one” of brokenness after years of training to avoid such a “place.”

A song by Micah Stampley entitled “Take My Life (Holiness)” has a few verses that I remember singing as an adolescent in youth group, and they came to mind. What an impatient person I still am, but I still sing so HE can transform my desires:

Brokenness
Brokenness
Is what I long for

Brokenness is what I need(Got to be broken)
Brokenness
Brokenness
That’s what You want for me
For me

So take my heart and mold it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it
To Yours
To Yours
Oh, Lord

A few lessons I thought I learned during my surgeries four years ago but am experiencing now afresh:

1. Time with my family is savored more when I’m IMMOBILE!
2. Doing LESS physically makes me actually do MORE of what matters (more quality time with God, family, and friends to name a few).
3. God uses all things for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
4. Don’t resist or fear recovery: Brokenness is never something we seek out, but it’s always something God uses MOST.
5. The blessing of knowing someone who cares during this time is the greatest treasure no matter how small the act of kindness shown. It multiplies my own compassion and empathy towards people in general, especially for anyone who suffers a similar situation.

It has been so beneficial even to my children to go through this season of STOPPING and letting mommy rest once again. They were four years younger the last time they saw me truly recovering from an operation; this time they are actually able to help take care of and serve me. It’s so ironic how much I dreaded the recovery process, yet internally longed for a break from my busy routine. God knew how much I NEEDED this change of pace. When God answers our requests a little different than we anticipated, let us not miss it. Time for reflection in life can be so fleeting, so savor it when you have it.

So, my husband and I enjoy watching movies late at night together. Interestingly, even looking at healthy people walking around on the TV screen has made me miss feeling like “myself.” Getting older and weaker goes against the cultural push to stay as young, fit, and independent as possible. Definitely taking care of our earthly bodies is important, but even that can become an idol in our lives, in my life.

The more broken I feel the more I want to fight to make it go away. Good habits are helpful and beneficial but should not replace or distract from our dependence on God. It’s something Pastor Adam Williams at Kenmore Alliance Church in Tonawanda, NY has reminded us of in his recent sermons from Luke 11 in the Lord’s prayer: “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. GIVE US THIS DAY our DAILY bread.” PROVISION just for TODAY is what we need. Yes, “ONE day at a time” as the saying goes. Dependence like this is so uncommon and unpracticed. We want to know beforehand that tomorrow is taken care of, so we ruin today when things are looking bleak. If I can learn, even in this, to enjoy the present despite my brokenness, I know God’s Spirit is taking over because it isn’t my natural tendency.

Fellow fighter, let us bathe our days in prayer. God will use it to produce supernatural patience and perseverance. Weakness and brokenness sometimes sneak up on us when we are feeling our best; at least that is how I have felt in these days. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, selfish regret or vanity for what we have lost from our previous “fully functional” lives, let God begin His deeper work. Stop gloating in your independence and remain glued to The Father.

With all the instability worldwide and even just pondering the casualties and hostages in Israel from the terrorist attacks, I can be grateful to just BE safe, sound, and cared for by God and the many loved ones that He has provided.

Broken and weak: Don’t resist these places of extreme growth. I’ve realized the most character gained in life is when we as people are down and out, on a couch or in bed, convinced our time is being wasted. I testify that it is NOT if we ask God to discipline us more, so the lessons abound when your human strength fails. Give Him your life and He will do a much better job at directing your days, especially the ones you think are not as productive or significant. The opposite is true: THOSE ARE THE DAYS that can DEFINE and SHAPE YOU more into HIS image! A testimony never comes without a TEST. AMEN through our trials and all glory to GOD for His faithfulness in our lives!

 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Thank you, JESUS, for making me more beautiful through each struggle I face! Take away the knee-jerk reaction to resist the brokenness in my life. I lovingly EMBRACE the hard so I may die to self, and let YOU truly LIVE IN ME.

Take a moment and listen to this touching song below called SCARS. Remember EVERY scar in life: physical, emotional, mental, psychological, GOD is there to REDEEM. Oh, and what lovely stories HE can tell through them dear ones!

Leave a comment to let me know you were here and anything God is putting on your heart to share. It’s a blessing to be connected and UNITED together as believers even in our weaknesses!

Love from above, Krystal