A Time to Grieve

“Daddy will be here in thirty minutes! Almost time to go,” I reminded my kids. I put the final items into our suitcases before our vacation plans got underway when I received the news. It was a phone call that changed my life: a young and dearly loved cousin of mine in Tennessee passed away suddenly at only 40 years of age. He was the brother of my cousin in Virginia who we were heading to visit. Immediately plans were cancelled. The next day my parents, two siblings and I traveled to be with my aunt, uncle and cousins there, and attend the funeral.

It has been exactly one month today since his passing and the grieving process has taken its toll on all of us as a family. It bonds everyone together to know we share the same pain, as grueling as that is. My children were the first to observe our family mourn deeply together; their initiaI disappointment at a vacation being cancelled was quickly replaced by the seriousness of the situation at hand. I ask God to broaden my vision when tragedy strikes, for the negative impact is the only apparent viewpoint at first. My cousin who passed was so dear to my heart because he grew up with us and we shared so many memories. We celebrated our high school graduations and went away to college together. His absence is an irreplaceable loss, the hardest and most emotional one I have had to go through so far in life. Gentle and faithful as God is, He has brought to my heart and mind a few resounding truths from this time of sorrow:

• You’ll never completely know how much impact you had on others here on earth. Since his passing, I have received many messages from friends of ours from college in Pennsylvania, friends from New York, Virginia, and all the way to Austria and Israel. These people, despite their physical distances, are all deeply grieving. Thanks to modern day technology I was able to call an old friend of mine and of my cousin’s from our college days who now lives in Austria. Hearing her voice for over an hour was such a comfort. As we shared in the same suffering it brought healing and hope. I can’t help but think my cousin could have never imagined all those whom he touched over the years and who now feel his bitter absence.

• When you love deeply you hurt deeply. My cousin was like a brother growing up. We were very blessed. When we became teenagers he met all of our girlfriends, so he always had plenty of dating options! The countless memories of sleepovers, playing kickball, rollerblading, games of capture the flag, family parties, many family vacations taken together and our close-knit experience in college made the goodbye so agonizing. We loved him deeply and now we are left to hurt more deeply. Nevertheless, I agree with the saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”(Alfred Lord Tennyson).

• You have but a window of time to influence a life. This fact is very convicting as a parent to my children and as a witness to those around me. My dear cousin was someone my siblings and I grew up with from childhood until early adulthood. There were so many conversations we had together about God, life, and our personal goals and dreams. Part of my grief since his passing is knowing that once I married and started a family, the window of influence I had in his life had greatly diminished. When my cousin moved to Tennessee we no longer saw each other; instead we texted or on a rare occasion spoke on the phone. My heart aches that I couldn’t have seen him or shared more time together. Yet, God reminds me: I had a strategic window of time WITH him. Going forward, may each of us remember that the window of influence we have in a person’s life may not last as long as we would hope. Therefore, may it always be something we are intentionally pursuing while that precious window is still open.

• Live on Mission. This world is so lost and depraved. People are crying out for God in a million ways without even realizing they ultimately need ONLY Him. Am I shining brightly enough for others to see JESUS, or am I the chameleon that attempts to blend in to the background? I suppose many of us don’t like to stick out from a crowd and draw unnecessary attention to ourselves. However, Jesus says we are to be the lights in the darkness, the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13-14). If we are true believers in Christ we will not be able to hide or contain our passion and love for HIM and for the lost. We will love what He loves and hate what He hates (Proverbs 8:13). While I was at the viewing for my cousin, I saw my own mortality staring back at me. It gripped me because he was only one year older than myself and I was reminded that we are all destined to leave this life. I repeat this to my children often: “The only thing we can take with us to heaven is other people.” One of my favorite quotes is, “Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last”(taken from the poem by C.T. Studd: click below for the full version).

• Seek God daily. While I was in Tennessee for the funeral, I was away from my husband and four children for 5 whole days. I learned something basic about myself while there: I need and am refreshed after spending a longer time in God’s Word, presence, and in mediation and prayer. I didn’t know I could read for 2 or 3 hours without interruptions; at my house with the commotion of my kids and my own energy level at the end of a night, I can’t. However, I have been adamant about keeping a strong morning routine of listening to a sermon while I exercise, reading one chapter in the Bible, a chapter in a Christian book of my choice, and meditating on a short devotional that I enjoy. When I try to “fill up” in another way it doesn’t work; only time with God and renewing my mind with His thoughts and desires is what satisfies my soul. Let us never replace this discipline with anything else.

• Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can say and do today. This one may sound cliché, but it is such a penetrating truth once you grieve the death of someone you deeply loved. It may take going through the grieving process to be reminded, but when someone passes he or she is no longer on earth. The communication gap between you and your loved one in this life is now permanent and it seems cruel and unsettling on many levels. This must spur us on to look around at those who remain here with us and seek out opportunities to love, care, and speak into their lives in Jesus’ name. Don’t hold grudges, bitterness, or harsh feelings against others when God is calling you to forgive because HE first loved and forgave US (1 John 4:19). Write a card, send a text, make a phone call, or better yet plan a time to SEE someone that you can encourage TODAY. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can say and do TODAY.

• God can use all things for good. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This promise can bring joy and peace to our souls if we rest in it. You may be asking, “How can death, the ultimate separation, produce anything good here on earth?” Well, this has been our prayer as a family since my cousin has passed into eternity and God has heard it and is already at work in answering. To give one example, my cousin’s sister was picking up her daughters’ trash containers at the curb and was compelled to share the gospel with the neighbor. She said to him, “We have something in common now: we both lost a brother.” He too had recently gone through this very unexpected and terrible loss. She told in brief of her trust in Jesus to forgive and give life eternal to those who call on Him. A seed planted due to a similar loss in life. Praise God.

• Life will never be the same again. When you lose someone so close to you, the lense of living becomes tainted. Max Lucado says grief lingers “because you are dealing with more than memories-you are dealing with unlived tomorrows.” You come to grips with the reality that the person you shared so many memories with has passed, and you will have no future remembrances here on earth to enjoy together. I imagine this being the most devastating for parents losing a child, children losing a parent, and for the loss of a sibling or spouse. I ask God to give me empathy and compassion for those who have suffered much more than I, for their pain is a daily reminder of the broken world that many people forget we live in. This is key: After such a loss, life will never be the same again HERE, in this world. This is when homesickness for heaven becomes the only “baggage” in life we DO need to carry (from the book Traveling Light by Max Lucado).

I love writing about the resurrection and reminding others of its power. Since I took a break the last few months from writing, let me take this moment to ponder with you the following verses in 1 Corinthians 15:55-57:

 “‘Where, O death, is your victory?
   Where, O death, is your sting?’” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Once again in the book Traveling Light, Max Lucado points out, “While we are mourning at a grave, they are marveling at heaven. While we are questioning God, they are praising God…We face death, but thanks to Jesus, we only face its shadow.” Amen! There is NO greater hope than to put our trust in JESUS for eternity, dear friends, and to TELL others to do the same!

May these reflections be an encouragement to your hearts and lives. Whether you are in a season of mourning or rejoicing, know God longs to speak to you in it. The brokenness I have felt over the past weeks has produced a humility and perspective shift in my life that I don’t ever want to undo. God bless each of you, dear ones. If you have a moment, please leave a comment to let me know you were here. Lastly, enjoy listening to the song below Because He Lives. Without Jesus, hope is dead; but with Him we possess the promise of a life here with purpose and the BEST life yet to come! That heavenly reunion is coming sooner than we realize! Amen.